When Identity Collides with Truth
For so many years, I attempted to understand the phases of the identity I had lived in, placing them side by side with who God has shown me I truly am.
In my twenties, I strived to check everything off my “life list” believing that the titles I gained would reflect who I was. I would tell myself, If I can just show them my real heart through my work, maybe it will ease the pain of the trauma I’ve buried so deep within me.
I sought validation through the lens of how I perceived others loved me. I was trauma-responding my way through life, thinking I could land on “acceptance island” without doing the real work unveiling the lies of self-sabotage, imposter syndrome, rejection, and more.
Everything changed the moment I realized that I didn’t need to perform in order to be used by God. The things I struggled with weren’t just my issues they were the same silent battles carried by many others around me, even the ones I had perceived as perfect or having all their ducks in a row.
The only difference? A lot of them either kept it hidden or learned to lean into God more deeply so He could use their pain for His purpose. I no longer wanted to be hidden behind the shadow of pain, trauma, and lies that, in all actuality, weren’t even mine. Many of the things I went through in childhood and adolescence were out of my control, yet they marked me with years of pain, doubt, fear of loneliness, misunderstanding, and a deep craving for love.
Until God got a hold of me.
I grew up in the church, but I didn’t realize I had been playing church my whole life until my early twenties. I prayed. I knew Scripture like the back of my hand. But when real tests came, I failed, because I was never taught how to truly cast my worries and cares on the Lord. What does that even mean? I would ask myself. How?
Surrender doesn’t always look grand.
There isn’t always a prayer group or a sermon guiding me into laying down my worries. Sometimes, it’s just me finding quiet time to study God’s Word and sitting in stillness, obedient enough to hear and learn His voice.
Sometimes surrender looks like me crying out the issues of my heart to God while on my knees in my bedroom closet, and coming out refreshed puffy-faced, but lighter. Other times, it looks like God convicting me, and me choosing to obey His voice and do exactly what He said.
We don’t have to perform for God. He created us. He knows us, And He simply wants us to become the best version of ourselves through Him.
That requires us to get out of our own way while letting God help us discover the gifts, talents, confidence, and assurance He already placed inside of us.
I pray that today, you allow God to love on you.
Take a breath.
Relax.
Remember: you were fearfully and wonderfully made in His image not in the image of society, titles, or the negative thoughts you’ve believed about yourself.
Romans 8:28💜
