“I can just do it one more time then quit” (lies)
“I’m more stable than my family members who struggle more than me I can control it” (self-righteousness)
“I can stop whenever I want to” (Pride)
Alcoholism doesn’t necessarily have a face. I stumbled upon some old photos of my high school bestie and me that we had taken almost 15 years ago. I was exploring through my old hard drive looking for some memories as I was collecting some photos for a documentation series, I am working on of my family throughout the years.
After lying in bed with my husband last night, feeling a little frustrated and eager at the same time, God started to reveal some things to me about the elevation of my identity. I remember over the years I was so afraid of living outside of the identity that I saw everyone else have within my family structure because I assumed some things were just the norm for life or adulthood. I wanted so desperately to fit into a mode that I began to diminish my own light to fit into a perspective that was never deemed for me.
I was always ok with being who I was long as I didn’t startle the fence of conflict and defend who I was to the masses of people that I felt like criticized my every difference. Thinking back on my childhood made me realize the grace of God is sufficient provision for the swaying seasons of life. I turned 35 in March, and I am thankful that I have been able to overcome a lot of adversity. These adversities have not been overcome with my own spirit or solutions, by any means. These are some pain points I’ve had to endure throughout the journey of allowing the Lord to rid me of overindulgence, fear, and even self-sabotage. Sometimes we are unknowingly doing the enemy’s job for him, while he sits back watching hoping we never see the other side of the veil.
What if you’re spending your overflow on the things that are leading you to death?
Thinking you’re just having a good time, and this is only one night; next thing you know, three months down the road, you’re telling yourself it hasn’t been that long, and you can stop once you’ve had enough (another lie). That same lie keeps you in a cycle of self-doubt, sabotage, and fear of what’s on the other side of trusting God wholeheartedly & The lack of revelation of knowing that you don’t have to identify with the things you struggled with or, furthermore, the things your family has battled for generations. Never wanting to fully commit, never wanting to stop doing the things they deemed as “fun” because it would be too holy or hypocritical to the very church people they may have sought to impress with theatrics on Sundays and Wednesdays when in all actuality none of those things matter.
None of us are perfect, but we do have the opportunity to understand and to live in the love of God while coming into a place of knowing true peace that only can be filled through his spirit.
God’s love and peace are not an endless cycle of fear or waiting to see what lurks around the corner when change and discomfort decide to present themselves in our lives, but it’s more like an endless path leading us deeper into the goodness and grace of God, without conditions or a prerequisite of who we have to be or what we have to obtain before receiving it.
This is the biggest trick of the enemy that keeps us in these cycles, making us think that we must earn what God has given freely. So, we run around like chickens with our heads cut off, seeking ways to numb our emotions, veil our faces, and hope to mask the overwhelming feelings of never feeling like we are enough or that we have enough.
We constantly lie to ourselves, thinking that our titles can propel us into places, hoping that when we achieve a certain status quo, then just maybe we will truly see ourselves and settle into who we knew ourselves to be, but that is a lie.
God has already called us, established us & marked us for such a time and a purpose.
Change is not an overnight prepackaged supplement that we can take when we want immediate progression in our lives. I struggled with anxiety all my childhood even into my adolescents. What I’m saying Is that I’m imperfect, I have moments where change has been so fearful, I’ve wanted to give up, especially moments where I’ve felt like I’ve endured so much heartbreak that I would never have healthy relationships. The guilt shame and weight of it all had me walking around feeling like a burden to others, my parents and even causing me to avoid social interactions for the mere insecurity I felt.
This is what lead me to the overindulgence in alcohol. Back then therapy was not a thing, you either dealt with your problems by giving into them or you distracted yourself from them.
Later into life, God wants me to do neither. Gratefully I’m more excited about life now that I don’t have to give into the pressure of trying to find things to fill me in empty moments or moments of indecisiveness. Also, learning how to properly deal with conflict good and bad, while accepting that my God is perfect and has moved mountains time and time again for me.
Deconstructing the lies has helped me to see myself how God sees me. I remember I stopped drinking liquor in my 20’s. It became a little too much waking up with a hangover every weekend after having a quote on quote “goodtime” lol. I slowly merged to drinking wine thinking that was a much calmer wind in the storm. One thing I learned through the predisposition of seeing alcoholism in action growing up and the knowledge of God revealing to me that I wasn’t just drinking a glass to relax, but more so to mask which stopped me from growing in the places God desired to edify my life.
I GOT TIRED OF MYSELF. One thing I know is that change does not change without change. As hard as it is to put down something that has pacified us for so long, it is even harder to hold on and stay in something that only leads to death in the end.
You don’t have to know what you’re called to do in life or have a title to take the first step towards desiring better for yourself. You don’t even have to have a bad relationship with alcohol or any substances, you could simply just be in a dead-end situation. One thing from this post I want you to take with you no matter where you’re at in your journey, is that God is never too far to see you. He is the good Shepard; he will leave the 99 sheep to come and find the one who is lost (Matthew 18:12/Luke15:7). He is faithful and unwavering in his love and quest for our hearts.
If no one has told you in a long time or ever, your presence is needed in spaces that are yet to be created for the people attached to your purpose. I love you!
