What I learned when the life I planned fell apart and God began rebuilding something truer
If you saw my life seven years ago and compared it to my life now, you wouldn’t believe it belonged to the same person.
I had my life planned out. I had goals I was determined to reach by the time I turned 30. But when 30 arrived, everything I thought I had built fell apart, and I found myself starting over from scratch. Failure followed me even in seasons where I appeared successful. Over time, I realized my definition of success was far more rooted in acceptance and validation from others than in the reality of my achievements.
It felt as though God was wiping me clean. Bringing me into a deeper knowing of what is true, real, and obtainable. That is why I firmly believe deconstructing your mind is one of the greatest things you can allow God to do. Not leaving your faith, but allowing God to remove the lies, doctrines, and distortions that shaped it. Growing up with limited faith because you were taught to fear leaders instead of God, or allowing your faith to be shaped by the limited beliefs of others who lacked true intimacy with Him.
Coming from a foundation of sexual trauma, I was vulnerable to pain, hurt, and deception. It became familiar, too familiar. I grew tired of carrying the weight of what the younger version of me endured. I longed to know what life could be like if I challenged what I thought I knew and welcomed God’s insight instead.
That decision required:
Working through fear
Releasing control
Sitting with the anxiety of uncertainty
Letting go of the opinions of others when I chose to live differently
Fear has a way of paralyzing us, convincing us we are incapable and unworthy. It robs us of self-control, gentleness, and clarity. God began teaching me practical ways to confront fear. Speaking it out loud and bringing it into the light. In exchange, He taught me to declare His truth: “God has given me power, love, and a sound mind.” “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Releasing control required humility. Accepting that I do not know everything and never will. But resting in the God who does. Because much of my adolescence was spent navigating life alone and making adult decisions early, I relied on myself far more than I should have. Scripture tells us, “Acknowledge Me in all your ways, and I will direct your path.” I was doing the opposite. Acknowledging my own plans and expecting God to bless them. When things fell apart, disappointment turned inward, and frustration spilled toward God.
Because I was accustomed to controlling outcomes, I lived in a constant state of anxiety. Hanging on by a thread, questioning my discernment, searching endlessly for reassurance. Anxiety opened the door to people-pleasing and the need for validation. Instead of seeking clarity from God, I sought it in others consciously and unconsciously.
Stepping outside the box meant choosing to believe God at face value. Not just repeating His Word, but living it beyond the pages. It meant challenging tradition, refusing conformity, and choosing God’s love over the approval of people.
Making that choice forced me to confront every fear I once found comfort in. Yet I learned a simple truth: if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Looking back, the cost of obedience outweighed the emotional anchors I had built from pain, disappointment, and fear.
Faith was never meant to carve a human-sized hole of fear in our hearts. It was meant to cultivate courage and understanding far beyond what our minds could achieve alone.
So I challenge you…
Count the cost of the fears you carry today. Ask yourself: Is it worth keeping me from the life I dream of? From the life God desires for me?
If the answer is no, ask yourself what is holding you back. Write down your fears, your wounds, and the burdens you quietly carry. Then give them to God. Declare that they are not your portion. Scripture reminds us in 1 Peter 5:7 to cast our anxieties on Him.
Say it aloud: “This is not my portion, Lord. I give this to You. I lay it at Your feet. Teach me how to live according to Your desires. Let me walk in the fruit of the Spirit, and build courage in me as You did for Joshua.”
Dig deeper. Study. Seek. Anchor your faith to the Word of God your sword of the Spirit.
Whether you have followed Christ your entire life or you are only beginning to seek Him, I pray His Spirit meets you in your searching. Pray without hesitation. He hears you. He sees you. And He knows you even in the quiet, hidden places.
I love you – Faith💜